With everything that has gone in my life in the past year or so, it seems as though each day there was always something specific for me to focus on. Friendships that were ending, family ties being cut, separation and divorce, financial difficulties, dating and new relationships, this trip or that event, moving, etc. But now, everything seems to be calming down, and I'm not really sure what to think about it. I'm a very high stress/high anxiety person. I thrive on too many irons in the fire, and worry myself sick with everything that floats through my head on a daily basis. Lately though, it appears that my life may finally be coming together in a way it never has before. I have made a conscious decision to let go of those that have hurt me, and no longer let thoughts of them or hatred for them or the hurt from losing them effect my well being. I have acknowledged the divorce and in doing so actually feel whole again. I have become aware of what my daughter needs from me, and give that to her everyday. I have learned what true love really is and that lobsters and penguins mate for life. I have learned that putting the needs of others before mine warms the heart. I have remembered how much I enjoy cooking, crafting, singing, reading, etc. I have realized that a quiet night at home is better than any large and loud gathering could ever be. I have found that those that truly care for you always will, and those who all of a sudden don't, never really did. I have discovered that it's okay to have weak moments and still be a strong person. I have been shown that I have inner and outer beauty that I forgot existed. So with everything coming together, and life becoming "normal" what do I do now? I think I actually know the answer.
Now, I will hold hands with the ones I love. I will take time to watch sunsets. I will stop and smell the roses. I will let my hair fly in the wind while riding in the old convertible on a sunny day. I will stop what I'm doing when my child wants to read a book. I will cook magnificent dinners, even if they only serve me and a three year old. I will get out the paints and do a craft even though I may not feel like cleaning up the mess afterwards. I will share a smile with a stranger who might need mine because they can't muster up one of their own. I will bask in God's glory and grace. I will give thanks for the blessings in my life. And I will live like never before. I will take risks knowing I may fail, but learning as I go. I will love whole heartedly and be faithful and loyal to the one who holds my heart. I will overlook imperfections and forgive mistakes. I will never again wonder what if. I will never again say if only. I will make the best of the life I have been blessed with and I will no longer worry about what others think or how they view me. Those that know and love the real me will continue to do so, and that's all I need now. So...now what? Now I live my life to the fullest and never look back. The past is gone, but I can hold on to memories and not have to be sad about the mistakes. The future is not yet determined and can be whatever I choose to make it. And today; the present...that's a gift, so I will treasure it.
