I feel like character out of a classic movie, right before she's given whatever heart wrenching news the plot will be based upon, that she thinks may be coming but for good drama, has to hold off finding out. Lifetime could make a movie based on facts of my life, and no one would believe it wasn't fictionally created.
I'm tired. More like exhausted. Like I just don't have the strength or courage anymore. It could be from a number of things. Having an alcoholic father who was emotionally abusive to me my entire life. His idea of games were mind manipulation games. His new wife does not allow him to have a relationship with me. Talk about a girl with daddy issues; he wasn't even my real dad. He adopted me when I was 4. So yes, I have been abandoned by not one but two fathers. I believe this resulted in a string of bad choices in men. Married at 21, divorced at 23, immediately followed by a 3 year relationship ending in a breakup. Married again at 26, divorced again at 31. Turning my child's life and comfort and security upside down.
All of that aside, in the last year, I have had to move in with my mother and brother for financial reasons. I changed jobs. My sweet sweet grandmother whom I loved more than words could ever express passed away. An F-5 tornado ripped through the community and destroyed numerous friends' and families' homes, not to mention all of the iconic places I love to patronize. The major event my department was responsible for planning and hosting with over 400 people. The 2 year relationship that ended during this time frame. The new person I met who turned out to not be anything that he said he was.
Or the man I met after him who is truly the most amazingly perfect fit for me, but extenuating circumstances make it impossible for us to be together right now, if ever. He's the one I want to hold me when I'm sick, and jump for joy with me when I'm happy. I want to crawl in bed next to him after a late night on the town, and wake up to cook him breakfast. I want to please his every need and want. I want to make him smile. I want to look at him and take in everything about him. We've had long walks and drives and talks. I feel I know him better than anyone, and he definitely knows me more than even I know myself sometimes. We share the same interests. We're two peas in a pod and all of the other cheesy romantic comedy cliches. What we have is real. The little bit of time that I do get to share with him is the most amazing moments of my life. But the time that I'm away from him, I feel myself fall into a deep sadness. I lose motivation. I want to stay in bed all day with the covers pulled over my head. When I'm driving, every song that comes on the radio makes me think of him. He told me he wants to wipe away all of the pain of my past, and only create happiness for me from here on out. I want to let him. So my question is this; why now? Why God, would you bring him into my life knowing that for he and I to be together and happy, others have to go through pain? Is it the work of God bringing two people together who were created for each other, but just met at the wrong time, or does the devil truly exist to create great temptation disguised as great love? I need answers. I need to know that this time won't end in great disaster like al of the times before. I'm not good at relationships. I either treat him like a king with nothing in return, or I make him treat me like a Princess with nothing in return from me. But this time, the royal treatment is mutual. He's the ray of sunshine in my darkness, the light at the end of the tunnel. The fairy tale, the knight in shining armor, my happily ever after. But maybe it's not to be. Maybe it really is just a fling for him, and the excuses he gives me I believe because I want so badly to. I love him. Like Natalie Wood loved James Dean. I need him. Like a flower bloom needs water. I want him. Like a child wants a puppy. But like a scene from Gone With the Wind or Casablanca, it's impossible to be together. I feel like Scarlett O'Hara screaming for Ashley when she loses him, or Humphrey Bogart hen he says outta all the joints in town you had to walk into mine. I just want to know, will my movie end with a ride off into the sunset together, or me alone with the setting sun behind me. I guess we'll just have to wait and see, after all...tomorrow is another day, so play it again Sam.
