Don't blow out his candle to make yours appear brighter....

Why does everything in life always seem so complicated? And why, just when something or someone comes along that finally seems easy, does the drama all of a sudden show up like a red wine stain on a white dress? What I am learning, is that everyone has a past. And no matter how demure or upstanding someone tries to be, we all have skeletons that we would just as soon stay in our closets. So why is it then, that we are so quick to judge those whose skeletons were not so easy to hide? "Let ye who is perfect cast the first stone" has long been forgotten. Today, folks are lining up with boulders to throw, not caring that they themselves live in glass houses. My mother used to tell me growing up that people picked on me because they secretly liked me, or they were jealous of me, or because it made their insecurities seem smaller to point out mine. Sadly, this is true in the adult world. Just because someone may have a higher level of education, and a more expensive car and house, does not make them a higher quality of person. It doesn't take a cape to make you a hero. It doesn't take a suit of shining armor to rescue the maiden. It takes confidence in yourself, and love in your heart. I know a man who is the perfect antonym for humble. He's quick to judge, quick to boast, and very slow to consider others. He wants everyone to believe that he lives a perfect life because he can throw money at them. In reality though, he lives a very sad life. And even with people all around him, he is very lonely. I know another man who works for a living. Puts his family first. Would kill or die trying just to protect someone he loves. A man that reminds me of my Grampa with his rugged exterior, but soft heart. A man that made mistakes, but spends every day regretting them and trying to move forward in a positive way. The first man shuns the second man, and declares him second class. He tries to cause problems for him. Now, if I refer back to my mother's reasonings of why kids picked on me, I know that in this case it is not because there is a secret crush. I believe it is a combination of jealousy and insecurity. Because even all of the first man's money and power couldn't buy the affection of the girl he so desperately wanted. He put himself first one day too many, and she walked away. The second man found her, and slowly began putting the broken pieces back together. The first man did everything he could to make the second man look bad in her eyes. It worked...at first. But the second man persisted, and slowly she began to see that his actions meant far more than the first man's empty words. That money and status were nothing compared to safety and security. That the first man's words couldn't and didn't hurt her once she had someone by her side who truly loved her for her and wanted to not only be her lover, but her best friend and confidant. This says a lot about life in general. Everything we learned on the playground in elementary school about bullies carries over into our adulthood. But at the end of the day, if you have someone by your side that makes you feel safe and secure, then no bully (child or adult) in the world can blow out your candle. They may steal your lunch money, but it's okay...your best friend brought their lunch, and a sandwich can be split in half.

It's just not fair, but tomorrow is another day....and here's lookin' at you kid.

I feel like character out of a classic movie, right before she's given whatever heart wrenching news the plot will be based upon, that she thinks may be coming but for good drama, has to hold off finding out. Lifetime could make a movie based on facts of my life, and no one would believe it wasn't fictionally created.

I'm tired. More like exhausted. Like I just don't have the strength or courage anymore. It could be from a number of things. Having an alcoholic father who was emotionally abusive to me my entire life. His idea of games were mind manipulation games. His new wife does not allow him to have a relationship with me. Talk about a girl with daddy issues; he wasn't even my real dad. He adopted me when I was 4. So yes, I have been abandoned by not one but two fathers. I believe this resulted in a string of bad choices in men. Married at 21, divorced at 23, immediately followed by a 3 year relationship ending in a breakup. Married again at 26, divorced again at 31. Turning my child's life and comfort and security upside down.

All of that aside, in the last year, I have had to move in with my mother and brother for financial reasons. I changed jobs. My sweet sweet grandmother whom I loved more than words could ever express passed away. An F-5 tornado ripped through the community and destroyed numerous friends' and families' homes, not to mention all of the iconic places I love to patronize. The major event my department was responsible for planning and hosting with over 400 people. The 2 year relationship that ended during this time frame. The new person I met who turned out to not be anything that he said he was.

Or the man I met after him who is truly the most amazingly perfect fit for me, but extenuating circumstances make it impossible for us to be together right now, if ever. He's the one I want to hold me when I'm sick, and jump for joy with me when I'm happy. I want to crawl in bed next to him after a late night on the town, and wake up to cook him breakfast. I want to please his every need and want. I want to make him smile. I want to look at him and take in everything about him. We've had long walks and drives and talks. I feel I know him better than anyone, and he definitely knows me more than even I know myself sometimes. We share the same interests. We're two peas in a pod and all of the other cheesy romantic comedy cliches. What we have is real. The little bit of time that I do get to share with him is the most amazing moments of my life. But the time that I'm away from him, I feel myself fall into a deep sadness. I lose motivation. I want to stay in bed all day with the covers pulled over my head. When I'm driving, every song that comes on the radio makes me think of him. He told me he wants to wipe away all of the pain of my past, and only create happiness for me from here on out. I want to let him. So my question is this; why now? Why God, would you bring him into my life knowing that for he and I to be together and happy, others have to go through pain? Is it the work of God bringing two people together who were created for each other, but just met at the wrong time, or does the devil truly exist to create great temptation disguised as great love? I need answers. I need to know that this time won't end in great disaster like al of the times before. I'm not good at relationships. I either treat him like a king with nothing in return, or I make him treat me like a Princess with nothing in return from me. But this time, the royal treatment is mutual. He's the ray of sunshine in my darkness, the light at the end of the tunnel. The fairy tale, the knight in shining armor, my happily ever after. But maybe it's not to be. Maybe it really is just a fling for him, and the excuses he gives me I believe because I want so badly to. I love him. Like Natalie Wood loved James Dean. I need him. Like a flower bloom needs water. I want him. Like a child wants a puppy. But like a scene from Gone With the Wind or Casablanca, it's impossible to be together. I feel like Scarlett O'Hara screaming for Ashley when she loses him, or Humphrey Bogart hen he says outta all the joints in town you had to walk into mine. I just want to know, will my movie end with a ride off into the sunset together, or me alone with the setting sun behind me. I guess we'll just have to wait and see, after all...tomorrow is another day, so play it again Sam.