Which Direction? Should I ask the Scarecrow?

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." ~Henry David Thoreau
Sounds pretty simple, right? Be confident, follow your dreams, and everything will be all you've ever wanted. But what does this statement mean for those of us whose dreams change everyday, but so does our confidence, and the life we imagine. When I was a kid, I had one of those books that each year mom filled in questions about my favorite thing at school, favorite tv show, etc. The one that always sticks out in my mind though, was "What do you want to be when you grow up?" One year I answered teacher, one year fire or police, but most years I answered Solid Gold Dancer. (For you young'ins that was a hit show in the 80's that had tall beautiful dancers who always seemed to be wearing shiny gold leg warmers and head bands.) As I got older, it changed to dance teacher, drama teacher, music teacher. Then at one point, I wanted to be a DEA agent. Then a psychologist. But instead I got scared and settled for sales jobs. Turns out, I was pretty good at it, and have actually made a decent career out of sales and marketing. In my personal life I found myself settling too. The relationships always started out good, but then in typical Carrie Bradshaw fashion, they fizzled. I met someone who was actually crazy enough to love me. And not only that, he was crazy enough to marry me and give me a child. Not just any child. The most beautiful and amazing blessing from above. But in my true form, I grew bored with that relationship as well. I went through a stint of self destruction, and somehow have come back to being as close to normal as I can be given my up bringing. (What is normal really anyway?) Which brings me to the point of this rambling and meandering post...where do I go from here? In one direction, I have a somewhat stable relationship. We are great friends, but not as emotionally connected as we once were. Reasons for that are a whole 'nother blog. The entire time we have been together 99% of the decisions I have made have put that relationship an him first. Not me, and definitely not my daughter. But lately I've been seeing a side of me come back that I haven't seen in years. The side that fights for me. And now, that fights for my daughter. So with that being said, then there is the other direction. A position with a company that would be my absolute dream job. Everything about it is what I have worked all these years to achieve. The drawback? It's location. If I take this job, the relationship is truly in the opposite direction. By about an hour and fifteen minutes. No biggie if I stay living where I am. But that wasn't the plan. The plan was to move in with that person in a year or two. That becomes impossible if I accept this job. So, here we are. Back at the crossroads. Which way is the yellow brick road to what is meant to be my destiny? And whichever path I take, I will find myself wondering if it was the right one. Only time will tell. But this time, I feel like I have to decide for me and my munchkin, not for the person who dominates every aspect of my life. Which leads me to another question...why do I let him dominate me? Is it that I have allowed myself to become dependent on him, and at this point fear of the unknown is worse than fear of staying? The Wizard of Oz gave Scarecrow a brain, The Tin Man a heart, The Lion Courage, and Dorothy got home safely with a little help from her friends and Glinda. Well, I hope my wizard is out there and can not o0nly tell me where home is, but get me there with a brain, a heart, and courage.

Let Downs, Heartaches, and Me

Whack. That's the feeling I got when my worst fears were confirmed. Deep down I really always knew, even though I liked to pretend that I was the exception, not the rule. I knew the history going into it, but for some reason thought I could change it. That I would be the one to turn it all around. Not so much. Secret texts, calls, emails and rendezvous'. I knew there was "emotional" cheating. I saw the texts. It's hard to deny the black and white facts staring you in the face. But when 2 drunk girls showed up at the wrong place at the wrong time, I started putting two and two together, and then the admission finally came. I was angry. Furious. Disgusted. Crushed. I lashed out verbally and physically. I yelled, screamed, cried, and started swinging. A lot of what happened after that is a blur. I wanted to run. Fight or Flight. In fact, I tried to pack and leave, but stayed. Partly because I wanted to, partly because I was in no condition to drive, and partly because he asked me to. I don't know if his words or tears were sincere. I do know that now I doubt every word out of his mouth even more than before. Every look in his eye. And every time his phone goes off I wonder if it's her. And how many "hers" are there? Is it really over? Will someone else come along? Mostly I want to know why. Why wasn't I enough? Why did he look into my eyes and lie? And why does he think that just because he said he's sorry that I'm supposed to forget all about it and pretend it never happened? Why doesn't the world stop for my broken heart? Why does life go on everyday as if nothing is wrong? Why can't I go back one year and make different decisions? If I could, I would. I wouldn't have split my family apart. I would have sucked it up and kept it together for the sake of my daughter. The feelings of something lacking in my marriage were nothing compared to the feelings of inadequacy I have now. I've read books, I've prayed, I've cried. Nothing helps. I can honestly say that I will probably never recover from this. Maybe it's because all of the abandonment issues from my childhood came flooding back. I once again felt less than good enough for a man from whom I so desperately sought love and affection. I had no one to turn to. The only person who has ever actually understood just betrayed me. I can't lean on my family. My mother would somehow make it all about her, and my grandparents and aunt would only pass on the "I told you so" judgement. Story of my life. When it comes right down to it, I have no one. A few close friends, but I can count those on one hand. And I don't want to constantly be the burdening friend. They have their own lives, and don't need my problems too. So here I am, suffering alone. Barely eating. Barely sleeping. What's ironic is that less than two weeks ago I thought I had come full circle and actually thought I wanted to marry this person. Something I thought I would NEVER do again. I thought that I wanted to spend the rest of my life falling asleep and waking up next to him. I wanted to share every moment, every milestone, every emotion with him. Now I can barely be next to him. It hurts too much. It hurts to know that all the times we were intimate and I felt so connected it was just a one sided feeling. All the dreams I had of raising our children together are gone. I not only hurt for me, I hurt for them. I let my daughter become attached to someone who may or may not be around this time next year. In 5 years, 10, and so on. I fell just as much in love with his children as I did him. If this ends, the loss won't just be for him. It will be for the children that I considered a part of me. How will I explain to my daughter that I took her stable life and turned it upside down when I asked her Daddy to move out and now because of my bad choices she has to suffer again? And how do I decide what to do? Do I go or stay? Will I ever be able to move past it if I stay? Will I ever be able to not wonder "what if..." if I go? Will there ever be trust? Will those warm and fuzzy feelings ever come back? How long will it be all that I can do to put on a fake face and go through the day? When will it stop hurting? When will I get answers? When, if ever, will he be the man I need him to be? The companion, the partner that I know he could be if he cared enough. What if he never cares enough? What if he can't give up the lifestyle he has grown so accustomed to and loves so much? When will my love mean more to him than the random flirting and flattery he gets from the whores from his past? When will he rather be with me than the bar? When will he grow up and take responsibility for his actions, and prioritize his life? And why do I have to wait on pins and needles to see if he can or will? Why have I allowed my self worth to be destroyed? And who am I really? I've always been a chameleon, changing to whatever I needed to be. So what does he need me to be? I thought I had become what he wanted, but even that wasn't enough for him. Will it ever be? Probably not. A leopard doesn't change it's spots.....

Now What?

With everything that has gone in my life in the past year or so, it seems as though each day there was always something specific for me to focus on. Friendships that were ending, family ties being cut, separation and divorce, financial difficulties, dating and new relationships, this trip or that event, moving, etc. But now, everything seems to be calming down, and I'm not really sure what to think about it. I'm a very high stress/high anxiety person. I thrive on too many irons in the fire, and worry myself sick with everything that floats through my head on a daily basis. Lately though, it appears that my life may finally be coming together in a way it never has before. I have made a conscious decision to let go of those that have hurt me, and no longer let thoughts of them or hatred for them or the hurt from losing them effect my well being. I have acknowledged the divorce and in doing so actually feel whole again. I have become aware of what my daughter needs from me, and give that to her everyday. I have learned what true love really is and that lobsters and penguins mate for life. I have learned that putting the needs of others before mine warms the heart. I have remembered how much I enjoy cooking, crafting, singing, reading, etc. I have realized that a quiet night at home is better than any large and loud gathering could ever be. I have found that those that truly care for you always will, and those who all of a sudden don't, never really did. I have discovered that it's okay to have weak moments and still be a strong person. I have been shown that I have inner and outer beauty that I forgot existed. So with everything coming together, and life becoming "normal" what do I do now? I think I actually know the answer.
Now, I will hold hands with the ones I love. I will take time to watch sunsets. I will stop and smell the roses. I will let my hair fly in the wind while riding in the old convertible on a sunny day. I will stop what I'm doing when my child wants to read a book. I will cook magnificent dinners, even if they only serve me and a three year old. I will get out the paints and do a craft even though I may not feel like cleaning up the mess afterwards. I will share a smile with a stranger who might need mine because they can't muster up one of their own. I will bask in God's glory and grace. I will give thanks for the blessings in my life. And I will live like never before. I will take risks knowing I may fail, but learning as I go. I will love whole heartedly and be faithful and loyal to the one who holds my heart. I will overlook imperfections and forgive mistakes. I will never again wonder what if. I will never again say if only. I will make the best of the life I have been blessed with and I will no longer worry about what others think or how they view me. Those that know and love the real me will continue to do so, and that's all I need now. So...now what? Now I live my life to the fullest and never look back. The past is gone, but I can hold on to memories and not have to be sad about the mistakes. The future is not yet determined and can be whatever I choose to make it. And today; the present...that's a gift, so I will treasure it.

I'm Moving On

I can't get the line from that Rascal Flatts song out of my head..."I'm moving on, at last I can see, time has been patiently waiting for me and I know there's no guarantee but I'm not alone." And the other line that says "I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong, I'm moving on." The song has always been a favorite of mine, but hit especially hard for me as I was packing my house to move, and again last night when I loaded the final item into my car...my wedding dress. I looked around the empty house that was supposed to be a home for my family and suddenly those lyrics came floating into my head. I looked at my daughter who had fallen asleep in the car while I loaded things. I thought about picking up my cell phone, but who would I call? My ex? No. My mother? No. My boyfriend? No. So I closed the car door and got in to take that last trip down my long driveway. It was dark. The moon was out and full. I drove down the drive and turned onto the country road for the last time. Once I got back to my cram packed townhouse I was too tired to do anything but carry my baby girl upstairs and go to bed. But I couldn't sleep. Not because I was in a strange place though. It didn't feel strange. It felt comfortable. Like it had been waiting for me all this time. I couldn't sleep because I so badly wanted to begin unpacking and finding a place for everything. But my body just wouldn't let me. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and all I could do was lay there. And once again that song came to mind and I realized that I AM moving on, and it took having to move out of that house to really feel like I am going forward. Yes, I have started a new relationship, and it is fabulous. Yes, I have been promoted and transferred at work. Yes, I am back to being the mother and the person that I know I can be. But not until all of my belongings were out of that house and stacked to the ceiling in a new place did I truly feel a new beginning. Today I am tired from not sleeping, but I am wide awake to the all of the possibilities before me. The world is my oyster so they say. I think I'll go home tonight, take a hot shower and try a new recipe. If I can find my shampoo and pots and pans, that is.

Today, I cried.

My whole life it seems I have been extremely good at putting on masks. A sad face to get my way, a happy face to hide pain, a game face to close the deal. I became the character of the mask I wore and somewhere along the lines, the characters have taken over and I don't really know who I am anymore. Maybe I never really knew who I was to begin with. I seek to please. I yearn for acceptance. I need affirmations. I want unconditional and undying love. I support my friends, and despise my enemies. I hold grudges. I love too easily. I give up too quickly. I very rarely show true emotions. I suppress feelings and try to pretend everything is as it should be. But those things don't tell me who I am.
Eight months ago I asked my husband, the father of my child, my supposed soul mate and life partner to move out. Little did I know that was the beginning of my world crumbling down around me. The wife and mother I had worked so hard to become disappeared. I became a lost soul that even I didn't recognize. I was a different person depending on the company I happened to be in that day. I somehow managed to make it through the work day, counting down the hours until party time. I turned my back on long time friends. I made so called new friends that came and went. This went on for several months. All of a sudden one day I looked at a picture of my daughter from before this all happened and realized I hadn't seen her smile like that in months. And it was all my fault.
I turned her life upside down with one sentence...five words to her Daddy..."You need to move out." Yes there were problems in our marriage, but nothing that couldn't have been and shouldn't have been worked out. A counselor. A minister. An acknowledgement of the problem, and a plan to find solutions would have been so much better. But at the time, I thought I needed to move on to bigger and better things. I thought I was meant for so much more. I didn't consider anyone but myself. I wish I had known then what I know now. Bigger doesn't always mean better.
Since the moment of realization came that I was becoming the parent I swore I would never be, I have done my best to get back to being her Mommy. I hold her. I read to her. I sing to her. I dance with her to silly songs. I tell her I love her every chance I get. I miss her when she's away from me, and I spoil her when I have her.
But still, I never grieved for the loss of my marriage. I have had emotional down spots, but from a state of the poor me's, not the poor family that I broke apart. Today, that all changed. Today, I cried. I got mad. I let my heart finally break in order to begin making it whole again. I grieved for my loss. I grieved for my husband's loss. But most of all, I grieved for my daughter's loss. The loss of the chance to grow up in a non-broken household. Something I never got to experience and promised myself she would. I finally admitted that I was wrong. I finally apologized to my ex-husband. I apologized to my daughter. I apologized to God and begged for mercy and guidance. I prayed that any pain, fear or suffering that my daughter was experiencing be placed on my shoulders and taken from her heart. Then I watched her as she slept. I snuggled right up next to her and tried to sleep too. I couldn't. So I laid there and cried some more. Normally, I would have just taken a sleeping pill or had a glass of wine to numb the pain and put me to sleep and quoted Scarlet O'Hara that tomorrow is another day. But not this time. This time I cried.
I cried hard and long and deep. I took all the pain, the doubt, the fear, the guilt, the sorrow and everything else I had tried not to feel and felt it for the first time. And I accepted responsibility. A responsibility to never allow myself to fall back into that deep dark place again. A responsibility to admit when I'm wrong and ask for help when I need it. A responsibility to ensure that my daughter does have a happy family, even if Mommy and Daddy don't live together anymore.
I don't necessarily feel better, but I do have a new outlook. I'm sure tomorrow I will cry again. And the next day too. But one day, I will have a day with no tears. But it won't be because I didn't allow myself to cry. It will be because I will have finally allowed myself to go through the process and start anew. And when that day comes, I will give thanks to God and love to my daughter. Without them, I would never have seen the light at the end of my tunnel.