"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." ~Henry David Thoreau
Sounds pretty simple, right? Be confident, follow your dreams, and everything will be all you've ever wanted. But what does this statement mean for those of us whose dreams change everyday, but so does our confidence, and the life we imagine. When I was a kid, I had one of those books that each year mom filled in questions about my favorite thing at school, favorite tv show, etc. The one that always sticks out in my mind though, was "What do you want to be when you grow up?" One year I answered teacher, one year fire or police, but most years I answered Solid Gold Dancer. (For you young'ins that was a hit show in the 80's that had tall beautiful dancers who always seemed to be wearing shiny gold leg warmers and head bands.) As I got older, it changed to dance teacher, drama teacher, music teacher. Then at one point, I wanted to be a DEA agent. Then a psychologist. But instead I got scared and settled for sales jobs. Turns out, I was pretty good at it, and have actually made a decent career out of sales and marketing. In my personal life I found myself settling too. The relationships always started out good, but then in typical Carrie Bradshaw fashion, they fizzled. I met someone who was actually crazy enough to love me. And not only that, he was crazy enough to marry me and give me a child. Not just any child. The most beautiful and amazing blessing from above. But in my true form, I grew bored with that relationship as well. I went through a stint of self destruction, and somehow have come back to being as close to normal as I can be given my up bringing. (What is normal really anyway?) Which brings me to the point of this rambling and meandering post...where do I go from here? In one direction, I have a somewhat stable relationship. We are great friends, but not as emotionally connected as we once were. Reasons for that are a whole 'nother blog. The entire time we have been together 99% of the decisions I have made have put that relationship an him first. Not me, and definitely not my daughter. But lately I've been seeing a side of me come back that I haven't seen in years. The side that fights for me. And now, that fights for my daughter. So with that being said, then there is the other direction. A position with a company that would be my absolute dream job. Everything about it is what I have worked all these years to achieve. The drawback? It's location. If I take this job, the relationship is truly in the opposite direction. By about an hour and fifteen minutes. No biggie if I stay living where I am. But that wasn't the plan. The plan was to move in with that person in a year or two. That becomes impossible if I accept this job. So, here we are. Back at the crossroads. Which way is the yellow brick road to what is meant to be my destiny? And whichever path I take, I will find myself wondering if it was the right one. Only time will tell. But this time, I feel like I have to decide for me and my munchkin, not for the person who dominates every aspect of my life. Which leads me to another question...why do I let him dominate me? Is it that I have allowed myself to become dependent on him, and at this point fear of the unknown is worse than fear of staying? The Wizard of Oz gave Scarecrow a brain, The Tin Man a heart, The Lion Courage, and Dorothy got home safely with a little help from her friends and Glinda. Well, I hope my wizard is out there and can not o0nly tell me where home is, but get me there with a brain, a heart, and courage.
