Let Downs, Heartaches, and Me

Whack. That's the feeling I got when my worst fears were confirmed. Deep down I really always knew, even though I liked to pretend that I was the exception, not the rule. I knew the history going into it, but for some reason thought I could change it. That I would be the one to turn it all around. Not so much. Secret texts, calls, emails and rendezvous'. I knew there was "emotional" cheating. I saw the texts. It's hard to deny the black and white facts staring you in the face. But when 2 drunk girls showed up at the wrong place at the wrong time, I started putting two and two together, and then the admission finally came. I was angry. Furious. Disgusted. Crushed. I lashed out verbally and physically. I yelled, screamed, cried, and started swinging. A lot of what happened after that is a blur. I wanted to run. Fight or Flight. In fact, I tried to pack and leave, but stayed. Partly because I wanted to, partly because I was in no condition to drive, and partly because he asked me to. I don't know if his words or tears were sincere. I do know that now I doubt every word out of his mouth even more than before. Every look in his eye. And every time his phone goes off I wonder if it's her. And how many "hers" are there? Is it really over? Will someone else come along? Mostly I want to know why. Why wasn't I enough? Why did he look into my eyes and lie? And why does he think that just because he said he's sorry that I'm supposed to forget all about it and pretend it never happened? Why doesn't the world stop for my broken heart? Why does life go on everyday as if nothing is wrong? Why can't I go back one year and make different decisions? If I could, I would. I wouldn't have split my family apart. I would have sucked it up and kept it together for the sake of my daughter. The feelings of something lacking in my marriage were nothing compared to the feelings of inadequacy I have now. I've read books, I've prayed, I've cried. Nothing helps. I can honestly say that I will probably never recover from this. Maybe it's because all of the abandonment issues from my childhood came flooding back. I once again felt less than good enough for a man from whom I so desperately sought love and affection. I had no one to turn to. The only person who has ever actually understood just betrayed me. I can't lean on my family. My mother would somehow make it all about her, and my grandparents and aunt would only pass on the "I told you so" judgement. Story of my life. When it comes right down to it, I have no one. A few close friends, but I can count those on one hand. And I don't want to constantly be the burdening friend. They have their own lives, and don't need my problems too. So here I am, suffering alone. Barely eating. Barely sleeping. What's ironic is that less than two weeks ago I thought I had come full circle and actually thought I wanted to marry this person. Something I thought I would NEVER do again. I thought that I wanted to spend the rest of my life falling asleep and waking up next to him. I wanted to share every moment, every milestone, every emotion with him. Now I can barely be next to him. It hurts too much. It hurts to know that all the times we were intimate and I felt so connected it was just a one sided feeling. All the dreams I had of raising our children together are gone. I not only hurt for me, I hurt for them. I let my daughter become attached to someone who may or may not be around this time next year. In 5 years, 10, and so on. I fell just as much in love with his children as I did him. If this ends, the loss won't just be for him. It will be for the children that I considered a part of me. How will I explain to my daughter that I took her stable life and turned it upside down when I asked her Daddy to move out and now because of my bad choices she has to suffer again? And how do I decide what to do? Do I go or stay? Will I ever be able to move past it if I stay? Will I ever be able to not wonder "what if..." if I go? Will there ever be trust? Will those warm and fuzzy feelings ever come back? How long will it be all that I can do to put on a fake face and go through the day? When will it stop hurting? When will I get answers? When, if ever, will he be the man I need him to be? The companion, the partner that I know he could be if he cared enough. What if he never cares enough? What if he can't give up the lifestyle he has grown so accustomed to and loves so much? When will my love mean more to him than the random flirting and flattery he gets from the whores from his past? When will he rather be with me than the bar? When will he grow up and take responsibility for his actions, and prioritize his life? And why do I have to wait on pins and needles to see if he can or will? Why have I allowed my self worth to be destroyed? And who am I really? I've always been a chameleon, changing to whatever I needed to be. So what does he need me to be? I thought I had become what he wanted, but even that wasn't enough for him. Will it ever be? Probably not. A leopard doesn't change it's spots.....